In 4 days I'm turning 28 (or as my mum reminds me regularly - nearly 30). I must admit that I had big dreams, plans and goals for my 27th year around the sun, and let's just say that some went to plan, and some haven't.
As each year passes I am beginning to move more with the flow, and less to plan, I am beginning to accept myself and all my floors for who I am, and not who I thought I should be at this point in my life (or where).
If you'd asked me 10 years ago where I thought I would be by 28, it would be what I would now call a white picket fence styled life, but the truth is my path has been full of more ups and downs than I can count, and challenges, some of which I did not see coming, but I've made it, I'm nearly 28 (or 30 - thanks again mum), and I'm pretty proud of the woman I am today (even if I have more of a weird hedge.. instead of a white picket fence).
So last night I was chilling home by myself and decided to watch a movie, you know, one of those girly 'only watch by yourself' movies. The movie was called 'The Women', and it's from all the way back in 2008. To be honest I consider myself a bit of a movie novelist (quoting scenes from movies daily), that I actually am surprised I hadn't seen it, though I thank Netflix for putting it in my 'you might like' list, because I weirdly really loved it, and it was the total inspiration behind this blog post.
One scene in particular really stood out to me, for a lot of reasons, but probably from an emotional and mental standpoint. The scene is of two women, one very sure of herself, and another very lost. The sure one says to the unsure, 'Who are you? ..and what do you want?', and for whatever reason in that moment this really spoke to me. I thought to myself, who am I, really?
When asked the question who are you I think it's easy enough to go through the standard elevator pitch of how old you are, where you are from, what do you do for work etc. but in this moment I came up with 6 things that I believe I am as a person, not on paper (and completely shocked myself - completely, with what came to mind).
Who am I? This is what I began reciting to myself last night over and over.
Now some of the above might seem a little ego driven, but honestly this is probably the first time I've ever said those words to myself after keeping myself off my own pedestal for so long (or maybe even for my whole life so far).
I've lived a life of feeling like I've had to be the one to pick up the pieces, always being the one that people seem to come to for their own guidance, reassurance or help when they are in need. The one that people seem to call at midnight when they aren't coping, or need someone to talk to.
You know, I think I've not allowed myself to realise that it takes a strong person to be there for others when they need it. That it takes a strong person to stay strong, and remain strong in circumstances where others are falling apart. I thought that because in my own mind I often feel like I'm in pieces, that that makes me weak, but really I've been strong all along.
When I look back on my journey to where I am now, I did not realise the height of how independent I have been along the way. I have done so much on my own.. such as move to a big city at 19 with nothing to my name, land myself past and present really decent jobs, buy myself my first car, attend events on my own, and so much more.
Being independent doesn't mean being alone in your journey, it's knowing and owning what it is you need to do throughout it by yourself. Looking back over the last 10 years I really have achieved so much on my own, more than I think I've ever given myself credit for. I can't name many 20 year olds that bought a brand new car as their first car, all on their own. I remember driving it out of the dealership and being in total awe of my little ride and where she could take me.
This is something I've always struggled believing. I finished high school, but haven't ever completed any study I've embarked on. I've in the past started 3 courses, 1 at University (Journalism), 1 through TAFE (Legal Administration and Business) and 1 though a private institute (Personal Training), and I never completed them, though I paid for most of them I don't really have anything to show for it now.
I don't know why I've felt that qualifications equal intelligence, as I have come to realise that that's not the case. Life itself requires so much every single day to make it happen, and sometimes when I talk to new people about topics I am passionate about they react with this sense of, wow, you are so knowledgeable in this field. I think it's time that I embraced my intelligence on my own level, and not compare myself to others standards of what it looks like.
Now, I've always seen myself as this forever-baby-faced 20 something, I don't think in my entire life have I ever described myself as 'sexy'. I mean, does anybody say that when asked who they are? What I've come to realise is that I am sexy, when I am being myself, when I am owning who I am, raw and real, in such a way that I light up from the inside out when I walk into a room.
We shouldn't need someone to tell us that we are sexy, we simply need to own the truth and believe it for ourselves. Sexy isn't just on the outside either, sometimes I think my personality is too much for this world, feeling a little weird most of the time within my own mind, but it's when I let go of that underlying fear of judgement that I feel the most confident, and sexy. Confidence is one of the sexiest things you will ever possess (I feel like a total #GirlBOSS even writing that).
Often I forget how creative I am, and how passionate I am about creating. Whether it's in the kitchen, photography, writing my blog posts, drawing or looking back on some of the paintings I use to put to canvas, I forget. It sounds a weird thing to forget about, but I guess having gone down a career path away from the creative industry, I need to put more effort into my creative side.
I think this is the time where I hold myself accountable to finally get my easel out and start painting again. Painting use to be one of my biggest passions, and then when I moved I stopped enriching that creative desire completely, always making excuses as to why I can't do it. Now I think about it, there is actually absolutely no reason why I can't paint, I mean, who knows where it could take me with all the avenues we have now to showcase our work (some of mine has never seen the light of day). Honing into something you are passionate about really is one of the greatest pleasures, and something I am holding myself to do more often. Less excuses, more acrylics.
I really do care, a lot. About things I should and things I shouldn't. Though as the years have gone by I have been practicing to see it as a gift rather than a curse to feel as much as I do. I find myself wanting to numb these feelings and hide them away, but love really is something to be cherished and nurtured.
I use to do a lot more for a lot of people, but I've lost my way over the years after not knowing how to do things for myself. Not practical things, but things such as looking after myself so that I would have the energy to do the same for others. I've been so lost within my own heart that I've forgotten how big my heart really is, and I think it's time to also bring this back into play. There really is no better feeling than giving your love.
I hope you enjoyed this little pre-Birthday post as much as I did writing it. Here's to my 28th year around our big, bright sparkling star, being open to whatever the future holds and The Universe hands me, and cheers to owning the strong, independent, intelligent, sexy, creative and big-hearted woman that I know I am.
All my love,